Good Monday, my darlings.
For those of you with long memories, a few weeks ago I mentioned certain Christmas toilet paper. The response was interesting. I’d no idea you guys would be riveted by such a thing. So when I was in the supermarket (I won’t mention which one since I’ve been outed in our local community) doing a bit of shopping, I happened across the lovely husband of my best friend Mags.
You might remember Mags is a card-carrying feminist and the owner of very clear thoughts and opinions, on men.
Anyway, I leaned on my shopping cart and gave him a cheeky grin. I couldn’t help it because he’s a big teddy bear and was peering through his glasses at row upon row of toilet paper and had a wonderfully ‘confused man’ look about him.
‘Hello, handsome,’ I said.
Oblivious, he didn’t budge or turn around so I called out his name and he jumped like a rabbit under a gun.
Then he gave me a wild-eyed look. ‘Ah hi, Christine. How are you?’
‘Very well. Whatchadoin?’
He waved a hand in the general direction of the toilet paper, then ran it over the back of his neck. Intrigued by this edgy behaviour I moved closer.
‘What’s this?’ I asked. ‘Doing the shopping? Are you a ‘new man’ these days?’
He looked over his shoulder and then whispered, ‘No. I did the shopping yesterday. She made a list. I didn’t stick to the list. I’m in trouble.’ He gulped audibly and by this time I was biting down hard on my bottom lip.
‘What didn’t you stick to on the list?’ I whispered back.
He blushed. And it was soooo cute. ‘Bought the wrong toilet paper,’ he admitted as if he’d broken every one of God’s laws. ‘I had to bring it back to customer services and get a credit.’
By this time my eyes were stinging, honestly that Mags is a monster.
I inhaled a deep, shaky breath. ‘What was wrong with the toilet paper?’
He pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and peered at it.
‘It wasn’t white and it wasn’t with Aloe Vera.’
I peered at the list and sure enough there it was in black and white, ‘Supersoft gentle touch with Aloe Vera’ and she’d underlined it, twice, for good measure.
I defy any woman with a heart to abandon a man a such a time, so I scanned the rows and was stunned at how many different toilet paper there is to be had. I don’t do shopping because I’m writing. In this household we go for the best multi-pak deal in white we can find. However, we found what the wife-from-hell wanted and off he went happy as a clam.
Later, unpacking in the kitchen, I was telling H the tale and caught him giving me ‘the look.’
He was leaning back against the worktop, sipping a cup of coffee.
‘What?’ I demanded.
‘You,’ he said in a growly tone. ‘Have a very short memory.’
His eyebrows rose. ‘Don’t you remember the little temper tantrum when I bought ‘the wrong colour’ of toilet paper?’
I did not. Did I? A vague recollection from years ago of bright orange toilet paper made me give him big eyes.
‘It was disgusting. Why on earth you even considered it, I don’t know. We only ever have white toilet paper in this house.’
‘There you go,’ he said. ‘I feel a temper tantrum coming on. You are just as bad as Mags.’ He gave me a kiss. ‘And that’s why we love you.’
He walked out. And I’m still stunned.
I’m not a monster. I’m not. Seriously. I’m not!
Sigh. And that photo at the top of the post is what happened at dawn this very morning. Apparently we’ve a storm coming, blizzards, 70mph gales, yada yada yada.
You know I love to hear from you guys. Has your H ever done the grocery shopping? But more importantly, do they get the right kind of toilet paper?