Good Monday, my darlings.
For those of you with long memories, a few weeks ago I mentioned certain Christmas toilet paper. The response was interesting. I’d no idea you guys would be riveted by such a thing. So when I was in the supermarket (I won’t mention which one since I’ve been outed in our local community) doing a bit of shopping, I happened across the lovely husband of my best friend Mags.
You might remember Mags is a card-carrying feminist and the owner of very clear thoughts and opinions, on men.
Anyway, I leaned on my shopping cart and gave him a cheeky grin. I couldn’t help it because he’s a big teddy bear and was peering through his glasses at row upon row of toilet paper and had a wonderfully ‘confused man’ look about him.
‘Hello, handsome,’ I said.
Oblivious, he didn’t budge or turn around so I called out his name and he jumped like a rabbit under a gun.
Then he gave me a wild-eyed look. ‘Ah hi, Christine. How are you?’
‘Very well. Whatchadoin?’
He waved a hand in the general direction of the toilet paper, then ran it over the back of his neck. Intrigued by this edgy behaviour I moved closer.
‘What’s this?’ I asked. ‘Doing the shopping? Are you a ‘new man’ these days?’
He looked over his shoulder and then whispered, ‘No. I did the shopping yesterday. She made a list. I didn’t stick to the list. I’m in trouble.’ He gulped audibly and by this time I was biting down hard on my bottom lip.
‘What didn’t you stick to on the list?’ I whispered back.
He blushed. And it was soooo cute. ‘Bought the wrong toilet paper,’ he admitted as if he’d broken every one of God’s laws. ‘I had to bring it back to customer services and get a credit.’
By this time my eyes were stinging, honestly that Mags is a monster.
I inhaled a deep, shaky breath. ‘What was wrong with the toilet paper?’
He pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and peered at it.
‘It wasn’t white and it wasn’t with Aloe Vera.’
I peered at the list and sure enough there it was in black and white, ‘Supersoft gentle touch with Aloe Vera’ and she’d underlined it, twice, for good measure.
I defy any woman with a heart to abandon a man a such a time, so I scanned the rows and was stunned at how many different toilet paper there is to be had. I don’t do shopping because I’m writing. In this household we go for the best multi-pak deal in white we can find. However, we found what the wife-from-hell wanted and off he went happy as a clam.
Later, unpacking in the kitchen, I was telling H the tale and caught him giving me ‘the look.’
He was leaning back against the worktop, sipping a cup of coffee.
‘What?’ I demanded.
‘You,’ he said in a growly tone. ‘Have a very short memory.’
His eyebrows rose. ‘Don’t you remember the little temper tantrum when I bought ‘the wrong colour’ of toilet paper?’
I did not. Did I? A vague recollection from years ago of bright orange toilet paper made me give him big eyes.
‘It was disgusting. Why on earth you even considered it, I don’t know. We only ever have white toilet paper in this house.’
‘There you go,’ he said. ‘I feel a temper tantrum coming on. You are just as bad as Mags.’ He gave me a kiss. ‘And that’s why we love you.’
He walked out. And I’m still stunned.
I’m not a monster. I’m not. Seriously. I’m not!
Sigh. And that photo at the top of the post is what happened at dawn this very morning. Apparently we’ve a storm coming, blizzards, 70mph gales, yada yada yada.
You know I love to hear from you guys. Has your H ever done the grocery shopping? But more importantly, do they get the right kind of toilet paper?
Do we send you lovely creatures out for car parts? No, we don’t. Harumph, I say.
LOL! This is very true. No. H would never dream of sending me out for car parts. (Whisper this, but then I wouldn’t send him out for car parts either. Just say’in.) 😉
Actually, Dale, my husband has me head out to get car parts all the time. But he never gets the right toilet paper… 😉
Christine, this was a giggle and a half. As well as a lesson to us all–we’re human, we all do some pretty odd things, and we aren’t always as nice as we’d like to think we are. ♥
Car parts, you’re a new woman! But darling, I am nice. I am. (Most of the time.) 😉
New woman? Nah… But I love the comments this post is getting about our husbands and shopping. From Jennifer’s comment about freezers full of food (I’m the one guilty of that in my house) to Marcy’s comment about training…
Thanks for the Monday joy.
Umm…yes – some of you do. My dad owned a garage and I did lots and lots of parts gathering for him. pfffttt! 😉
There you go! I knew you’d be good with tools. 🙂
My H is banned from shopping on his own. He is a sucker for offers “Buy one get one free” “Buy one get second half price” in the green grocery “Buy two for one price” I have a freezer full with Strawberries, blueberries etc with the idea of making jam. Pity they don’t offer free jam jars!!
ROFL! Jennifer. Aww, he’s into healthy eating. Bless him. He wants you around for a loooooong time. 🙂
Christine, this has be laughing out loud!
There have been a couple times in our marriage when I was too busy and had to send my husband to the store. I made a clear list, including descriptions. He came home short two items (I’m still not sure how he missed them on the list) and purchased the wrong one for a few others. I was a little miffed at the time. Now we’ve been shopping together instead. I’m training him, but don’t tell him that 😉
Aww, your H is lovely. I adore our guys, I really do and that includes Dale. I bet he would get the right toilet paper. Just say’in! 🙂
OK … I take back the harumph. I can never stay mad at you.
You need to keep practising, lol!
Every time I send DH shopping, he gets the wrong brand of something. I used to get upset but when I did, he’d just say, “If you want the right kind, then go get it yourself.” Did I mention he’s a Sagittarius, like me? Hmph.
You need to send him to Mags for training…. Or perhaps not, he’d be a shadow of his former self in no time. 😉
LOL, I think perhaps Mags may end up in the loony house after dealing with him. (speaking in whispers – sorry honey, you know I love you, darling husband)
LOL! Don’t worry, honey. We won’t tell him. There are only 2,000 odd readers of this blog and we’re good at keeping secrets. 🙂
I have the opposite problem. Hubby likes to grocery shop [dwadle on the way home from work] several days per week so he can help out [avoid the chaos surrounding sports lessons and meal prep]. I get a lecture whenever I buy something because ‘Market Basket has it cheaper.’ It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of a Suburban Prepper (Orange toilet paper on sale? Let’s stock up on enough to survive Armageddon!) while his idea of shopping entails hot dogs and potatoes every night for supper.
LOL! He sounds fabulous. I love him and his orange toilet paper. H is like that too, he knows where to get the best deals. Keeps him happy and that’s the main thing. 🙂
I’ll bet we won’t care what color when the zombie apocalypse happens. We’ll just be glad we had some! LOL
Oh Christine! That’s too funny! I don’t send the DH grocery shopping because he always comes back with Doritos and ice cream and not a thing from my list. We don’t go shopping together because it’s like he’s a little kid and trying to sneak bad things into the cart.
And, seriously, who in their right mind buys ORANGE toilet paper???? Who even created such a thing? Don’t they know what that will do when it gets wet? *shudder* Men! lol
Hahaha! A woman after my own heart who hates orange toilet paper, it must have been a man who was sitting in an advertising office and had a ‘Eureka’ moment. Sista!!!! 🙂
Oh, dear! I’m on the wrong side of this. DH does all the shopping here. I have my head in the writing game, definitely not on the shopping, and miss half the list. Now, when I’m in a cooking mood (doesn’t come often) and I need specific ingredients, I have to be very specific: if I ask for cherries without specifying fresh, bing, I’ll end up with marchinos! Like Anna, DH shops to prepare for the ice age when we’ll need fourteen jars of peanut butter. LOL.
Lynette, honey, you’re a woman after my own heart. If I’m following a recipe it is to the letter. H is a pretty nifty cook … However … He cannot help but fiddle with recipes, which means nothing tastes the same twice. But I wouldn’t swap him for all the white toilet paper in the world – even if it had Aloe Vera. 🙂
My dear hubby is an angel, Christine, you know that. 🙂 He shops, he cooks, he does laundry, cleans house, shovels the snow, mows the lawn AND weeds my flowerbeds. I’ve learned that when one’s spouse does 50% of the work or more, one does not complain. Why cut off the hand that cares for you, right? 🙂
Does he have brothers, cousins, second cousins? 🙂
Aww, you’re such a sweet girl. I just want to tell the guys that your H is like six foot four and her sons are gorgeous and as tdh. You actually would not give a rat’s ass if the toilet paper was purple would you? And you’re quite right.
H has just read this and his jaw is on the floor. He said, ‘Orange toilet paper? This is all about loo roll?’ I just said, ‘I have a loooooong memory.’
Well, he married me, what’s his problem??? 🙂
What a riot! That poor Mags. Not only does my husband do the shopping on occasion, he knows exactly what kind of toilet paper to get because I take some with me on all of our travels. A few years ago we were staying in Edinburgh for the summer and I brought enough to last us through winter. I’ve been to Scotland before and know what they think is ‘soft’ is akin to tree bark. No thank you!
I would definitely be miffed at orange. That’s just wrong.
Hang on a minute, Tameri.
YOU take toilet paper with you on your travels? I’m almost scared to ask, but is it white perchance? And you couldn’t get soft toilet paper in Scotland????? Where the hell did you stay? Trust me. The woman of Scotland like it soft and scented.
You kill me. 🙂
If we run out of something while I’m in the middle of making dinner, baking a cake, whatever, my husband takes a photo of the empty container/packaging, and then goes to the store and buys its replacement. Genius, no?
Wow! He takes a photo?? I’ve just spat out coffee all over my keyboard??
Okay, deep breath….. Guys, you can learn something from Mr Patricia O’Dean Rosen. I bow down before him. Oh, Hugooooooo!
I haven’t laughed so hard in years, Pat.
Tell him he’s won the MacKenzie Gold Star.
Love it. 🙂
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I have learned that when my dearest wife gives me a grocery list, I give her the third degree: “Ground beef? How many pounds? What per cent fat? When you say ‘peanut butter,’ do you mean crunchy or smooth? Can I get generic, or do you want a specific brand?” And so on, down every item on the list, so that I can get EVERYTHING RIGHT. *whew* Because every angel in Heaven help me if I come home with so much as one wrong thing. 😉 I love you, Sweetie!!
Haha, Paul, you’re killing me. And it’s so true!
Lovely to see you here. How brave are you? Aww, your wife sounds fabulous! And it shows how much you love her. 🙂
Please come back and bring your wife too. 🙂
Oh, I think you already know her. She’s Kathy Owen; she says you’d know her from Facebook. And yes, for the record, she is fabulous.
OMG!!!! You’re KATHY’S Husband! OMG!! We’ve got a HUSBAND on the blog. Wooot!! Doing a happy dance. Hang on a minute…… I’m crying. Kathy is THE best! Just wait, Paul. She’s gonna be on the best seller lists. You must be so proud of her….. Happy sigh. Love this. You’ve made my day, big boy! 🙂
ROTFL! Love this!
Fess up! You know you want you, lol. 🙂
OMG, Christine! You crack me up. Hard enough having hubster commenting on blogs of peeps who know me; good thing I’m not writing romance like you, or I’d get no end of grief! 😉
Haha! Aww, how fantastic is this? I’ve never been so thrilled. He can comment anytime. If he can cope with you, he can cope with romance. 😉
LOL!!! CC, you crack me up! Sounds just like what goes on in our house. Heehee!!! Gotta love a man who knows his woman and loves her for it!!!
Yes, Mags is good to him in other ways, lol! She paid me to say that. 🙂
Okay, after this post, I know I’m spoiled. Hubby did most of the shopping until his surgery. Yes, he did have a list. Now, we go together. I know, our life is just so exciting. As far as TP is concerned, it better be white. I remember when they made different colors and then there was a study that said the dye could give you cancer, thus the white paper. But at least we’re not sending them for tampax or Kotex, right? Ah, those were the days! LOL! 🙂
LOL! You deserve to be spoiled. See, white is the KING of toilet paper. We might do a poll. Did you really send him out for tampons? You have no shame. 🙂
Notice, I did not say that I did, I just implied that I did. Hubby had his limits, and that was one of them. I was told to stock up till kingdom come because he was never shopping for personal hygiene items. Although I do know men who have been caught in that predicament. And now they have those clear plastic bags. Can you imagine? I’d stick with buying toilet paper. Now what about this aloe vera? We have kleenex with aloe, but not TP. Interesting. Is this supposed to make your bottom softer? Help with Hemorrhoids or something? LOL! I mean, why is this all the rave in England? Do you all have a problem over there that we don’t know about?
Wait a minute, I just realized something…there’s toilet paper with aloe vera in it?!!!! How have I missed this? I must find it!
There is. Dontcha get Aloe Vera toilet paper in the United State of America?? Send me your address and I’ll send you some. But you’ve got to come back and tell us of your unique experience. 🙂
Bright orange toilet paper?
This was so funny
Yes, it wasn’t pretty. Who’d have thought such a basic human requirement would cause so much interest on a blog?
OMG, Christine…that is too funny! I don’t even know that guy and I could see his poor, humiliated face. Most men are useless when it comes to shopping though. I once sent a guy I was dating to the store for tomato juice…and he came home with tomato soup. Yeah. Not gonna work for goulash, thanks so much. His excuse? It was cheaper. Grr!
By the way…I just noticed the guy on your book cover. No way would I ever confuse him with the homely, pot-bellied Scottish guy in that video you posted. Nope. Not a chance. 🙂
Haha! Tomato soup?
I know, he was so cute standing there looking confuddled, it makes me grin even now just thinking about it. Bless him, he tries soooooo hard.
Nobody will know what pot bellied guy you’re talking about, Kristy. I might do a blog post on it because it’s hilarious. I love my readers, they kill me, in a good way! Nah, Marcus in Big Trouble In China is a hottie Scottie. 🙂
You do tell the loveliest stories! As a woman who has spent the better part of the last five years single, I think that a man prepared to stop and pick up toilet paper -even the wrong brand – is a good man. My new guy brought over dinner last night – a beautiful homemade chicken curry – and I was beside myself. It’s the small things….
Aww, Sally. He can cook??? Keep him! Is this Will, perchance? It is the small things….. 🙂
Yes – he cooks a mean Sri Lankan curry. But he’s a bit put out with me about the farting in bed comments in my last post 🙂
LOL! No wonder, you naughty girl. 🙂
LOL CC. Has your H ever done the grocery shopping???? You are in the 21st century over there, aren’t you? Yes, this household’s H does shopping. I think the only thing that is contentious is hair products. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you, I’m so picky, right?
H does do all the main shopping these days. And he’s a ‘better’ shopper than me, at least that’s what he says. You’re a brave man. No way would H step into the minefield of hair products, lol! 🙂
Hey, girl! You are way too funny! I was just reading your post and my DH asked me in a weird voice what was I reading. I glanced at him, then back at the computer screen and there was that picture of the toilet paper. I tried to explain, started giggling and couldn’t stop. Thanks!!
Seriously, when I send DH out for groceries, I have no expectations, so I’m no disappointed at whatever shows up in the bags. LOL
I was just thinking about you today…. And voila! Aww, you’re so much in love with your H it wouldn’t matter what he did, would it??? 🙂
HA! I was over at Susie’s Party and thought I would stop by :)This was too funny and I can so relate to it. I stopped having expectations when he goes out grocery shopping. I’d always get annoyed when he’d come home with his own version of what was on “the list.” Fun post
Welcome! Any friend of Susie’s a friend of mine! At least he goes out grocery shopping.
Thank you for commenting, will check you out after dinner. 🙂
I sauntered over here from Susie’s blog… I was intrigued by your title.
My hubby will do the shopping on occasion and he gets the toilet paper right every time. What he gets in trouble for is all the little extra things he thinks he needs to also bring home with him!
Hello and welcome, Emily!
A man who gets the toilet paper right is pretty special. And another one who brings home little ‘extras.’ How lovely. Happy Valentines, Emily!