BOTTOMS UP!

Since that amazing moment over a year ago when Pippa Middleton’s bottom went planetary, I’ve found myself inspecting the derrieres of everyone from the postman to the guy in Starbucks to the girl at the check out in the supermarket.

What makes a great one? What characterizes Pippa’s bottom – lovely though it is, especially in that dress – from the butts of the average person?

And I’m not being critical here but men appear to be the ones drooling over PM’s posterior more than women. Do they prefer a muscle-butt rather than something more substantial? Is this what they’re looking for in their perfect partner? Don’t they prefer something curvy that could sit on a knee and not leave a crease?

A bottom, like a breast and a narrow waist is a symbol of fertility in a woman, and over millenia men have been attracted to plenteous, competent, well-disposed buttocks; buttocks that can do the job nature intended.

While pondering the meaning of this – in one of those moments when I should be editing and coming up with a brilliant blurb for my new book – it occurred to me that what women want from their own bottom is very different to the expectations placed upon it by a man. Not that I’ve a great deal of experience (she says), but men appear to prefer a handful, something to grope pinch, perhaps something with a jiggle, and a big spoonful of lurve, women, as ever and how pathetic are we, want something skinny.

We want a bum that can wear skinny jeans without trying to burst forth and break loose. A bum that rocks a bikini bottom. A bum that ‘never looks big’ in this. We want peachy and lifted and taut.

If I could choose my bum, I’d want Brooklyn Decker’s bottom which is as close to perfection as you can imagine without belonging to the prestidigitization of the airbrush. It’s pert, high and powerful.

In the interests of understanding my subject, I asked my girlfriends if they liked their bums and NOT ONE said they did. One or two liked their feet, hands, their boobs or their hair, but every single one hated her bottom. And I know three of them said they sobbed in changing rooms with those God awful surround mirrors when they saw their bum. I even know some who wear tops that cover their bum in the sea or in a swimming pool.

I have a flat bum, it used to be toned and pert, but due to the number of hours it’s perched in my chair as I type like a fiend my next best-seller (I can dream) I’m afraid it’s let me down very badly and is an extraterrestrial to me now. If I happen coup d’oeil, usually by accident, I’m always sincerely shocked, certain it must belong to someone else and then I hit the lunges and squats for a week, which means I can’t sit down without whimpering in agony.

So to sum up, women are not happy with what they’ve got and men are more than happy with whatever they can get.

Does this mean that men (for once) are right? They love Pippa’s bum simply because it belongs to a woman?

Hugo’s just yelled, ‘Result!’ Hmm, might need to inflict pain on him later.

You know I adore and need to hear from you guys – Do you love your bum? If you’re a guy do you love your honey’s bum and if so what does it for you?

We need to know!

Due to a book launch, guesting on a blog and being driven insane by the foibles of my new shiny Mac! Desert Orchid is late this week – normal service shall be resumed as soon as possible. (Hugo’s just posted a note above my Mac – THIS MACHINE HAS NO BRAIN – USE YOUR OWN! I feel a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. coming on!)

Oh and on Monday my book, Reckless Nights In Rome is here – one of fifteen chosen, all sales on Amazon on MONDAY 16TH JULY 2012 shall be donated to the ‘Sell Books For Steve Day’ for thriller author Steve Brown’s Bone Marrow Transplant treatment. You might find a new author you like! Please spread the word around the ‘net on Monday – you guys seriously rock!

42 thoughts on “BOTTOMS UP!

  1. What a fun post n by George I think you’ve got it, right! Not sure I should comment on my own. I thought they all fell for her smile n cute face, lol. So now I must really get behind myself n work it.

    • LOL, Gardenlilie,

      Lovely to see you here and Welcome! I remember watching the wedding and one of my daughters said, ‘I love Pippa’s dress and doesn’t she look gorgeous.’ Then Pippa bent down and we all went, ‘Ahh, that’ll go around the world.’ And sure enough it did!

      ‘So now I must really get behind myself n work it.’ Good one!

      Thank you for commenting.

  2. I never understood the Pippa Middleton butt craze. I guess over here in the US, I’m used to Kim Kardashian and Beyonce and J-Lo butts. Pippa’s looked paltry in comparison. Weirdly, I’ve always liked my butt. It’s big and round, but when I fell down half a flight of stairs and landed on it, it took the brunt of the fall and protected my spine. I love my big butt! 😛

  3. I don’t get the Pippa thing either–she’s just too tiny to be even considered in the butt category!! 🙂

  4. Funny post. My bum though…oh my! Nope. Don’t like it. Glad I have one. It would be really awkward to be bum-less. But I do so wish it were firmer and much more pert. Guess I need to work on it. As soon as I have a nap. 🙂

  5. Incredibly awesome post! Yep, I know, adverbs and exclamation marks, but you totally deserve it. I laughed my butt off (believe me, I find I do that often than not) and really enjoyed it. The only thing I like about my butt is that it has served me well when I’ve fallen backwards out of the truck. And yes, from way up there. As for PM, I thought her gorgeous but definitely not in the league of the Kardashians or J Lo.

    • Hi Jo!

      I know adverbs and exclamation marks – take me out and bloody shoot me! So glad to hear your butt has served you well when you’ve fallen out of a truck – and I’m saying nothing – I deserve a medal.

      You’re right – her bottom has nothing on J Lo. (Just managed to stop the twitchy finger over the exclamation mark.)

    • Hello Dale!

      Haha! A cheeky comment. Sigh, I wanted more from you, Dale. I did, I do! Tell us what men like about bottoms – if I leave an exclamation mark, Jo will kill me.

      Lovely to see you here and I hope you come back after this!

        • LOL! What are you like? I’m crying laughing here, Dale. And you’ve said it all, ‘We’re not hard to please, really.’ It’s all in our heads or our ***** after all!

  6. Loved the post! Sure wish I could come up with fun and witty posts like this.

    “So to sum up, women are not happy with what they’ve got and men are more than happy with whatever they can get.”

    This is the best line! And so true. Us writers sacrifice so much for the written word. 🙂

    • Stacey, thank you for commenting!

      I can’t come up with funny stuff all the time. For some reason it pops up in my brain and then there are times when nothing happens and it’s a black hole of dark matter. That’s usually when I want a bed in a dark room under sedation for a week. We do sacrifice so much – our sanity!

  7. Extraterrestrial bottom! LOLOLOL!!!! Personally, my hubby has always preferred my bottom. And you are right. Men like something to hold onto. As I age, there seems to be a struggle with gravity, so my bottom might be a wee bit flat. But just remember, according to Queen, “flat bottom girls they make the rocket world go round!” I think that sums it up quite nicely, don’t you? 🙂

    • Oh, I’ve been waiting for your comment, Karen.

      And you never disappoint. Your husband sounds amazing. Perhaps we can swop for a couple of weeks, lol! And gravity is a bitch, it affects, boobs, chins and eye bags, never mind bums. And you do make the world go round. At least, you make my world go round.

  8. This post is full of LOL! My husband is a butt man, big time. Lucky for me! Mine has a little more jiggle than I’d like, but he insists that he “loves every square millimeter of it!” Hey, that’s good enough for me! He agrees with Sir Mix-a-lot that women should go ahead and work out, but “please don’t lose that butt!” Oh, and he’s not home right now, but he’s probably say Pippa needs to eat a few Big Macs. LOL I love that man!

    • IS HE, Jennette? Wanna get him to drop in and tell us what he loves about yours when he does get in? I’d LOVE to hear from the men in the lives of all these women. I mention Hugo on here all the time. I think we need to include the guys more in these posts! Just say’in!

  9. Okay, now that I’m done chuckling at you all, I’ll butt in 🙂 I married a butt man and I hate my butt. My personal version of hell. No matter how skinny I’ve ever been, my butt doesn’t shrink. I wear boy shorts to the beach so I get a stupid boy-shorts tan. Hubby loves my butt, though, so I guess it’s a good thing he’s the one looking at it and not me! I think round butts on other woman look great, though…J-Lo has the perfect body in my opinion, large butt and all!

    • Hi Shannon,

      Haha! Butt in – been waiting for a few of those! And you’re married to a bottom man too? It’s interesting that every single one of you have mentioned J-Lo? And that not one of you, except Kourtney are happy with your pert peaches.

  10. So funny!
    I was born with a flat bottom. An old boyfriend of mine called them, “Pancake shaped buns.” I know that if I got down on the floor and “swam while on my stomach kicking” every day, it would put a little lift in my derriere. I never look at it, so out sight, out of mind! Hahaha!

      • Hahaha! My husband Danny and I just went to the Boulder Bookstore and HE found a book on Buns! Hahaha! I had mentioned your blog post and it must have made an impression. It covered art, sculpture…. Wish I had written down the name and the author. LOL!

  11. “So to sum up, women are not happy with what they’ve got and men are more than happy with whatever they can get.”

    This statement is so true, CC, which leads me to admit that my hubby loves my butt, so I don’t bother to look at it critically anymore. LOL!

  12. I never knew Pippa Middleton’s rear had gone planetary. I really must renew my subscription to the news of the world (or similar). Well, that and get out a little more often.

    Cheers!

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